Inside 'Scoop:' Mega Wine Merger Planned

After years of battling each other, America's largest wine producers are joining forces. In a stunning development (and not just my first blog post in almost four months), E & J Gallo and Jackson Family Wines are on the verge of announcing a joint venture of epic proportions. The joint venture will be limited to the production and distribution of a single global wine brand: Cat Box White.

Cat Box White will be a blend of Sauvignon blanc sources from the wineries' global portfolio of vineyards and come in three-, five-, and a brand new nine-liter boxes. A majority of the grapes used for the new wine brand will be from New Zealand, France and California, though vineyards all over the world will be utilized to meet production goals. Rumor has it that Cat Box White is planning to produce over 100 million nine-liter cases of wine by its third year. Joe Wagner, of Copper Cane Wines, has been contracted to oversee the launch of the new joint venture and develop a line of lifestyle products Cat Box lovers will enjoy. Scented candles will be the first of many ancillary Cat Box-branded products.

“This makes us a much more capable competitor up against the really changing landscape,” said Barbara Banke, wife of the late Jess Jackson. “It is clear Gallo and Jackson Family will be a stronger, more competitive U.S. wine producer than either company can be on its own. With Constellation buying up many of the world's hottest brands, and thus their consumers, we decided it was in the best interest of our small family-owned companies to work with Joe to create a brand that people will be immediately embrace." Banke added that while she thought everyone will love this wine, they will specifically market to single women.

Besides cost savings, the merger will create the world's strongest brands which many consumer will be able to identify from its distinct aromas. "Cat Box White will feature the fresh fruit, brisk acidity, and the typical, uh, distinct, uh, aromas wine lovers have come to expect from cool-climate Sauvignon blanc," explained Joseph E. Gallo, CEO of E & J Gallo Winery. Gallo said that cool-climate wines and alternative wine packaging are two of the hottest trends in the sommelier industry right now and they hoped to get Cat Boxes in as many restaurants as possible.

Gallo will have a 58 percent economic stake in the joint venture, compared with Jackson Family’s 42 percent interest, but both companies will have 50 percent voting interest. The wine will be manufactured at each producers various facilities and then blended, finished and bottled at a brand new facility in Calico, CA. The manufacturers' suggested retail price $7.99 for 3-liter, $13.99 for 5-liter, and $19.99 for 9-liter boxes in the U.S. market. Price information for international distribution was not available.

While Gallo and Jackson Family currently compete against each other, Steve Heimoff, former director of wine communications and education for JFW and current political journalist, said the companies’ strengths complement each other. "By working together Cat Box White will be a strong competitor to Franzia box wine and potentially steal market share from the American Lager beer segment." Heimoff added, "this joint venture is also sure to destroy the terrible Trump Winery in Virginia."

Harry Oldman, part-time wine blogger added, "Happy April Fools, you fools!"

WineBerserkers dot com kicks off Battles of Taste series

Global Series of Exclusive Wine Experiences to Feature the World's Top Wine Personalities

NEW YORK, NY--(Spittooned - April 01, 2016) - Todd French's Wine Berserkers (Wineberserkers.com), the world's most recognized online authority on wine discussion boards (over 0.000001% of all wine consumers worldwide are members), is debuting its inaugural Battles of Taste tour on U.S. shores in 2016 as part of a global series of exclusive events for Wineberserkers.com members and guests.

The tour is a continuation of a global series of no-holds-barred fine wine tastings and critical attacks for Wineberserkers.com members and their guests. Battles of Taste will feature hundreds of wines rated 90 points and above by The Wine Berserkers, handpicked by its world-renowned team of expert forum contributors. The inherit quality and ability of guests' palates will be mercilessly questioned at each event. Each city will celebrate a distinct theme, focusing on various major wine regions and styles with each stop.

Taking a connoisseur's look at 'Anti-Flavor Wine Elite Wines Suck', the American leg of the tour kicks off in New York this Saturday,  with wines handpicked and presented by Wine Berserker commenter and Jets fan, Jay Hack (who once famously bought a bought a bottle Château d'Yquem in a parking lot for $200). The very special evening will provide members, their guests and new wineberserkers.com subscribers with the opportunity to get up close and personal with the faceless contributors behind some of the world's most extraordinary wine related Internet posts, by bringing their own favorite wines to be criticized. Four master classes preceding an expertly paired, four-course dinner serving only Flannery steaks and Veleta olive oil will be the highlight of the evening as Hack will don a horned Viking helmet the entire event.

"Battles of Taste is our way of saying a heartfelt thank you to our members who we know are the most knowledgeable wine lovers on the planet," said Moderaror-in-Chief, Todd French. "It's a tasting for consumers to experience world-class Internet bullying in an entirely new way while meeting blowhards who craft the attacks It's also a fantastic opportunity to welcome new members into the world of Wine Berserkers opinions. Online, the forum owner CANNOT read private messages - nobody but the recipients can. This event will allow everyone's true feelings to be aired in public. Consumers will have an amazing time learning what it means to be a Wine Berserker!"

Additionally, Battles of Taste is proud to debut a semi-blind component for the first portion of each walkabout tasting, wherein members will have the opportunity to experience an entirely new levels of mockery and judgement hosted by Bill Klapp, who is coming out of retirement because, "When the time comes to call bullshit, in person or electronically, I am always equal to the task."

The Battles of Taste series commenced in 2008 with walkabout tastings in members' backyards. Following the New York debut of Battle of Taste in the U.S., walkabout Grand Tastings will be held in backyards in Tampa and Los Angeles at later dates.

101 Punctuations

In an exclusive interview, Jeff Siegel, aka The Wine Curmudgeon, confided in me a stunning reversal to his wine reviewing policy. "As of today, I will be review wine on the 101-point scale," Siegel giddily revealed. "I know I've bellyached about the quantitative rating of wine for many years now, but I've finally realized the beauty of the system." Siegel has obtained both a patent and a trademark on the revolutionary system. Siegel made clear that any attempt to co-opt the use of the additional point will be met with swift action by Siegel's legal team, the famous Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe.

The 100-pt system for rating wine has been widely ridiculed, but yet remains popular. "I've seen how Cruella de Monkton has kidnapped the wine world with his 100 points. I have no plans to skinning wines for financial gain," explained Siegel. "I've rolled myself in the soot of bloggerdom long enough and will finally give Bogle and Cristalino the points they deserve. I will start a Dynasty of Dearly Deserving Wines," Siegel said with a sardonic grin. "I'm even thinking of taking the idea further than wine with a magazine called 101 Points by Jeff Siegel," admitted Siegel. "My crackpot legal team is working out the details as we speak!"

After finishing a bottle of cheap Gascon wine, Siegel let another secret slip. Not only will he attempt to change the world of wine critiquing, Siegel claims to have plans to take cheap wine mainstream via broadcast television. "Not enough wine consumers pay attention to cheap wine. If I can put it on TV maybe consumers will start buying the stuff! I've got a green-light to start filming a remake of a famous sitcom," whispered a clearly intoxicated Siegel. "I can't give you any details right now, but will say that Jon Bonné, W. Blake Gray, and I will start filming next month. Just as the original series was all about hedonism, jingle writing, and drinking, I couldn't think of a better way to put cheap wine on center stage than on CBS' Monday night programming."

Siegel went on to mention that the project kicked off when Bonné approached him about starting show about two ex-newspaper wine writers living together and working in a local wine shop while attempting to raise funds to start a winery. The show was going to be called 2 Broke Guys. Getting word of the project, Gray wrote a draft of a scandalous blog post uncovering the plans and demanded to be included or else he would expose the project to the world, taking away the thunder of Bonné's first story for Punch.

Siegel sighed and explained that to make the best of a bad situation he called his friend Chuck Lorre. "I've already said too much, but damn isn't this colombard tasty. I think it might be the first 101-pt wine," Siegel slurred. I figured out the details of the project when Siegel doffed his trademark fedora, winked repeatedly, and not-so-subtly mouthed the name of the show. Apparently, Chuck Lorre thought it would be great to remake Two and a Half Men. Sadly, Siegel refused to tell me which character each writer would play.

Look for the revamped Two and a Half Men on your local CBS affiliate this coming September.