Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Dr. Harry Oldman on replacing Jeb Dunnuck in the Wine Advocate

Dr. Harry Oldman has been quiet for quite sometime here on the blog, but he hasn't quit quite yet. His last appearance was his rant on Andy Warhol wines a little over two years ago. He recently asked if he could respond to the paparazzi rumor mill about his supposed impending employment at a renowned wine publication (other than this one). I don't normally dabble in speculation, but I figure I should give the old man a chance to set the record straight.

It may seem as if I have been laying low for awhile now, but I actually been working real hard in the wine industry. I was quite surprised that I was able to gain employment in the wine industry with my background as a blogger. We all know wine bloggers never amount to anything in the wine industry.

Ever since January 21, I've been working as communications director and press secretary for a major East Coast winery. I know what you're thinking - East Coast wine is an oxymoron, kind of like affordable Napa Cab or affordable health care. But after working at the highest levels of the greatest winery on Earth, I've had change of heart - granted it was a medically necessary heart transplant - about non-California wines.

I was having dinner with my friends Jared and Sergei one evening last December when they told me that their boss' hand-picked personal assistant wanted me to be the public face of his I mean his son's winery. I've been busy ever since giving daily briefings to the Atlantic Coast wine media. I've of course banned all cameras and bloggers (No Fake Media Allowed) from attending, but Jim Acosta and Jay McInerney, who is usually drunk or high, show up everyday. I suppose dealing with these two losers is a part of making wine great again.

I've been amazed with how I've gone from being a retired computational physicist to being stalked by the wine paparazzi on the Interwebs. This rise of epic porportions almost didn't happen. I remember the day so clearly. August 22, 2016. That was the day I lost one of my best friends. He was there one day and gone the next. At my age it is bound to happen, but when a moderately notorious wine writer decides to stop writing about wine to write about Crooked Hillary it is a dark, dark day. I almost gave up wine myself. I was in a funk - thank god it wasn't a 12% Contra Costa Carignan-type funk - but an emotional funk that cracking open my 15-yr vertical of Harlan Estate was able to break. That's what friends like Jared and Sergei are for. Without them opening this backchannel for me I wouldn't be in the position I am in today.

And what position is that exactly? Well, approximately 12 people in the entire country have seen my name mentioned over on WineBerserkers.com as  the likely replacement for Jeb Dunnuck's beat in Robert Parker's Wine Advocate. Apparently Jeb decided that he actually wanted to review wine for consumers instead of traveling the world in the Singapore Dog, Pony and Wine Show. And what a pony he was. But now the speculation has turned to who will fill the heir apparent's shoes. Funny how my name got thrown into the mix. We must find the leakers! This is a big deal! Word even spread to the Robert Parker Bulletin Board. Now 14 people suspect that the one and only Dr. Harry Oldman will fill the bung-sized void to review the wines of Central California and the Rhône Valley.

Can you imagine a world in which that would actually happen? Oh boy, watch out when old Dr. Oldman strikes pen to paper in the fully made-over print editions with full-color photos, with over 25% more tasting notes and articles. I will personally guarantee that my writing will be more than 25% more colorful! If you thought the feud between the Hosemaster and Levi Dalton was epic, just you wait. I once saved Wine Spectator, why not add one more American literary icon to my resume?

Despite how much sense this move would make, I must deny this speculation. Seeing as I was instrumental in helping drive the creative direction of this site, it is possible I could have done the same for another even more prestigious wine publication. I can confidently say that I've been a wine journalist, editor and taster for over a decade and am a regular wine panelist, speaker and educator for events and organizations worldwide. Those qualifications alone would make me qualified to replace Jeb. Writing alongside Bob would give me a bigger podium from which to mock those who mock he who shall not be mocked.

No, Dr. Harry Oldman will not be replacing Jeb Dunnuck. Joe Czerwinski, former managing editor of Wine Enthusiast will be the new reviewer in Monkton. He will fit the corporate environment and bow down to the Master herself. For all those claiming end of days at the Wine Advocate better eat their shorts now. The ship has been righted and Joe will help Bob regain the glory of the early 1990s. This morning there is joy in Mudville! This all being said, I will not deny that I will not be joining the Wine Advocate in some capacity in the future. I better get back to my podium, I see McInerney waking up from his nap.

I will let the tweets speak for themselves.