Hello, friends, Dr. Harry W. Oldman here! It has been a while since I've come here to put pen to paper - or do these young whippersnappers call it fingering the computer - partly because I wanted to see what the reaction would be when I said to myself I might cease writing. About a year ago, I took a position with a big-name wine producer, but recently left. My non-disclosure agreement only allows me to say good things about them, but I can't identify them by name. Anyway, I'm back because the wine world needs more old white guys to keep it from destroying itself. Without us, I'd be surprised if the wine industry would survive more than a few weeks. Millennials and bloggers - scum of the earth - are intent on destroying what we worked so hard to achieve: delicious wine.
There used to be hedonism in the wine business. I know, because I know some wonderful women winemakers who... well, let's just leave it at me knowing them. I don't want to get in trouble because the FCC won't let me be, or let me be me. So, let me see... well, we don't have hedonism anymore. No, now, because of all those slack-line-walking bloggers, we have another form of prejudice that’s just as pernicious: asceticism.
Read, for example, this piece, from The New York Times Magazine, that refers to "a band of upstart winemakers ... trying to redefine what California wine should taste like." This group of self-proclaimed arbiters of taste wants wine to be minerally and flavorless. They think wine should have no perceivable alcohol! We are basically living a second-coming of the temperance movement.
Okay, let's break this down.
First of all, wine is supposed to be a flavor-blasted beverage for adults that makes you forget that you're alone because your wife stole your dog and your truck, and now your life sucks. How does wine accomplish this? Fruit and alcohol. Why do we know this is true? Look at all the perfect 100-point scores handed out by those that know more than you! What do those wines have in common? Fruit and alcohol.
Look: When you’re a big time wine writer, it’s necessary to pontificate. The biggest wine writer ever knows this best. The common American just wants something cheap and sweet. How are they supposed to know what quality wine is supposed to taste like without someone telling them? Well, these anti-flavor wine blogging morons are trying to kill the geezers that lay the golden 100-pt eggs. And yet they think that being sentient being puts them in a position to criticize older wine writers and tell them what wines they actually like.
What are the daddy issues these bloggers have with the grandfatherly wine critics who have been around the block more than a few times (I'll admit, sometimes you just can't remember which house is your's). You don’t have to tear others down to boost yourself up. That is unless your feel threatened by the young kids walking by your lawn, then by all means rough them up to show them whose boss!
So, to stand walker to walker with my old white guy brethren, I've decided to start reviewing wine on this site. I've consulted with the young, ignorant owner of this site and he has given me the green light. I have no expectations about where this reviewing thing is headed except straight to the bank. I am charging a reviewing fee, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. Reviews can still be had for free (that young moron still hasn't figured out how to monetize this website), but if you want Dr. Harry W. Oldman to give the world a real expert opinion of your wine just send it in along with $25 per bottle. Oh, and since someone recently asked what my middle name was, I'll have you know the W. stands for White...