101 Punctuations

In an exclusive interview, Jeff Siegel, aka The Wine Curmudgeon, confided in me a stunning reversal to his wine reviewing policy. "As of today, I will be review wine on the 101-point scale," Siegel giddily revealed. "I know I've bellyached about the quantitative rating of wine for many years now, but I've finally realized the beauty of the system." Siegel has obtained both a patent and a trademark on the revolutionary system. Siegel made clear that any attempt to co-opt the use of the additional point will be met with swift action by Siegel's legal team, the famous Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe.

The 100-pt system for rating wine has been widely ridiculed, but yet remains popular. "I've seen how Cruella de Monkton has kidnapped the wine world with his 100 points. I have no plans to skinning wines for financial gain," explained Siegel. "I've rolled myself in the soot of bloggerdom long enough and will finally give Bogle and Cristalino the points they deserve. I will start a Dynasty of Dearly Deserving Wines," Siegel said with a sardonic grin. "I'm even thinking of taking the idea further than wine with a magazine called 101 Points by Jeff Siegel," admitted Siegel. "My crackpot legal team is working out the details as we speak!"

After finishing a bottle of cheap Gascon wine, Siegel let another secret slip. Not only will he attempt to change the world of wine critiquing, Siegel claims to have plans to take cheap wine mainstream via broadcast television. "Not enough wine consumers pay attention to cheap wine. If I can put it on TV maybe consumers will start buying the stuff! I've got a green-light to start filming a remake of a famous sitcom," whispered a clearly intoxicated Siegel. "I can't give you any details right now, but will say that Jon Bonné, W. Blake Gray, and I will start filming next month. Just as the original series was all about hedonism, jingle writing, and drinking, I couldn't think of a better way to put cheap wine on center stage than on CBS' Monday night programming."

Siegel went on to mention that the project kicked off when Bonné approached him about starting show about two ex-newspaper wine writers living together and working in a local wine shop while attempting to raise funds to start a winery. The show was going to be called 2 Broke Guys. Getting word of the project, Gray wrote a draft of a scandalous blog post uncovering the plans and demanded to be included or else he would expose the project to the world, taking away the thunder of Bonné's first story for Punch.

Siegel sighed and explained that to make the best of a bad situation he called his friend Chuck Lorre. "I've already said too much, but damn isn't this colombard tasty. I think it might be the first 101-pt wine," Siegel slurred. I figured out the details of the project when Siegel doffed his trademark fedora, winked repeatedly, and not-so-subtly mouthed the name of the show. Apparently, Chuck Lorre thought it would be great to remake Two and a Half Men. Sadly, Siegel refused to tell me which character each writer would play.

Look for the revamped Two and a Half Men on your local CBS affiliate this coming September.

Matt Kramer got it wrong about bullies who put down wine

Without wine lore, and wine tasting, and wine talk, and wine labels, and, yes, wine writing and rating—the whole elaborate idea of wine—we would still get drunk, but we would be merely drunk. The language of wine appreciation is there not because wine is such a special subtle challenge to our discernment but because without the elaborate language—without the idea of wine, held up and regularly polished—it would all be about the same, or taste that way. —Adam Gopnik, The New Yorker

Two days ago, in Wine Spectator, Matt Kramer penned a polemic against nameless skeptics of the sensory value of wine. In Kramer's defense, he attempted to use an article by Adam Gopnik (yes, I misspelled his name (twice) in a comment over on the Jackson Family Wines blog, and for that I apologize) in the The New Yorker as evidence this anti-intellectualism bullying. The problems with him basing his condemnation on Gopnik's article are twofold. First, the article is more than ten years old. If you haven't read it, I strongly suggest that you do so. Yes, it reads as if it were written yesterday (or maybe tomorrow) and that is the sign of a good writer. But nevertheless it was written at a different point along the wine industry continuum and was actually an editorial on the 2004 state of wine prompted by William Echikson's book, Noble Rot. Second, and more important, Kramer completely missed the point of Gopnik's article. Kramer chose to quote Gopnik out of context. He should have started his article with the full quote that I've provided above. Gopnik actually accomplished what Kramer was attempting to do by making the case that wine talk and wine description are an integral "part of what lets the experience happen."

Dr. Oldman channels Oprah to expose a doping scandal that will rock the wine world...

After his surprising Boxing Day interview, Dr. Harry Oldman thought that today would be the perfect day to share his next interview with us.

I had so much fun with my interview with my anonymous wine critic friend (though I hope the interview wasn't the real reason he is no longer a critic...), that I thought I'd try my hand again at asking another famous wine personality some tough questions. Bobby P and I go all the way back to his early days as the world's first blogger, a camp which I too have fallen into. Together, Bob and I would take on the heathens of the wine world on Prodigy's Wine Forum. It had been some time since we last talked, but I've long defended him from the many sheep of the Interwebs. When Bob agreed to sit down with me I decided that I had better improve my interview skills, so I watched countless hours of the best interviewer I could think of: Oprah. I've followed Oprah from her very start on AM Chicago, but spending a week straight of watching reruns gave me all the insight I'd need to make this a newsworthy interview sure to cause a ripple in the space-time-wine-blogger continuum. One day, I am sure that this interview will be as talked about as any interview Oprah did with Tom Cruise, Lance Armstrong or Lindsay Lohan. Make sure that you are sitting, because what I'm about to share with you will knock your tastevins off!

Dr. Oldman on the Wine Writers Symposium

I was in Napa Valley two weeks ago for Premiere Napa Valley, but I was unable to attend the Wine Writers Symposium. Others have written a few accounts of what transpired during the workshops and sessions at the secluded Meadowood Napa Valley resort and spa. With not being there, I find it interesting to hear about the fun and informative events attended by a whole host of wine writers. I think it is pretty cool that simple bloggers, or people new to the world of wine writing, can hang out with established writers from Food & Wine, Wine Advocate and Wine Enthusiast as well as columnists from the New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle and Wall Street Journal. My extern, Dr. Harry Oldman, was disappointed that I was not going to chime in on an event that I did not attend, so he asked if he could. I know I shouldn't let him post anymore, but he can be very persuasive...

Marketing myopia in the wine world

This morning, my good pal Steve Heimoff published a blog post about how wineries can get famous. He raised some interesting points about the changes that have taken place in mass communication between the present and 1994 when the movie Disclosure "made Pahlmeyer a star." Obviously, he discussed the rise of social media, but concluded that a critic's score was the "best way to get huge notice by the public."

Voiceless

After reading Dr. Oldman's guest post a few weeks ago, another friend of mine wrote me and demanded to contribute to the blog, too. I had to ask her to remind me who she was again, and then it hit me. Her name is Remi Burmí. How could I forget her, with her bright red, Buddy Holly glasses and Converse low tops. She's a few years older than I. She's a self-taught wine expert whose dad was an award-winning science fiction author (I think his last novel even won gold at the California State Fair). Her mom was a sex therapist from Mendocino. She writes a biennial wine column for Examiner.com (or at least that's what she claims). Her writing makes me think of Eric Asimov and Jon Bonné co-publishing an online magazine using a nom de guerre.

Any way, she said that with all the Baby Boomers and Millennials writing past each other in the wine blogosphere she felt like she was part of a forgotten generation. She said, for some reason, that my blog was the hispster-est place to speak out for these forgotten beer wine consumers. Oh, and to even make it more hipster, she wanted the post to go live after 5:00 EDT on a Friday because no one will read it over the weekend and people will still be talking about the non-cabernet Parker perfect wine and the imminent wine shortage. Oh and it's a poem... (Oh Lorde, save yourself and just stop reading right now!)

The Wine World is Changing and Some Wine Writers ARE Losing It (Influence, that is...)

One of the favorite discussion items in the wine industry of late revolves around changes in wine criticism. Some recognize changes and others hold on to the belief that wine writing is a static enterprise. In the past few years, the rise of wine bloggers has caused traditional writers to get a bit defensive. This rise in the democratization of information is upsetting the critical dictators. Those in the ivory towers continue to say that wine criticism and the traditional media in which it has been conveyed is stronger than ever. Those that say otherwise are attacked as losing their minds. Regardless of the ridiculous amount of navel gazing going on, the short and skinny of it is simple: yes, the wine industry is changing and the role of wine criticism is a big part of that change. To say otherwise is to proclaim your stubbornness (or ignorance).

Nothing beats Champagne for sparkling wine

It is that time of year again when all of the newspapers start publishing their Champagne stories in time for the New Year celebrations. Both the New York Times and San Francisco Chronicle have gotten in on the action. The NYT piece focused on how the big négociants (they buy grapes from independent growers) are dealing with the push for terroir-driven wine, whereas the Chronicle described how grower-producers have gained ground in the Champagne conversation. Several weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend a tasting of importer Terry Theise's grower-producer Champagne selections. I think these wines offer some of the best value (not necessarily inexpensive) for sparkling wine from around the world, and I wanted to share the highlights of this tasting with you.

There is a lot of sparkling wine in the world. Unfortunately, only a small portion of it is Champagne. Champagne is sparkling wine from the Champagne region in northeast France. True Champagne is made predominantly from three grapes (chardonnay, pinot noir and pinot meunier) though up to seven cultivars are permissible (more on that later). Sparkling wine from other regions can be made from any number of grapes, and while the style may be similar to Champagne, it is not Champagne. If you're drinking sparkling wine from Germany, it is called Sekt, Spanish bubbly is called Cava, and the most predominant Italian sparkling wine is called Prosecco. Even in other French regions, the term Champagne may not be used. One of the main reasons for the seemingly strict semantics is terroir. Champagne's distinctive natural characteristics are based on its exceptionally northerly location (it is France's most northern viticultural area) and its location in a geologic formation known as the Paris Basin. Here, the grapes take root in Cretaceous chalk, which is key to true Champagne. While the method of production may be duplicated elsewhere, the terroir is unique.

Despite this uniqueness, there is an increasing dichotomy of Champagne. Most of the Champagne that you and I see on retail shelves or on restaurant wine lists is dominated by a few brands. The big luxury négociants produce millions of bottles of wine each year in an industrial process that rivals the biggest wine factories of Modesto, California. These négociants own very little of the vineyards and buy most of their grapes from grape growers and blend grapes from all over the region. Only 3.8% of the Champagne sold in the United States is made by small growers that handcraft their Champagne from individual vineyards and villages. Terry Theise is one of the main U.S. importers of this "farmer fizz," and sells some of the best Champagne that money can buy. After tasting over 50 different wines, I found 6 that should be purchased when spotted on store shelves. I used to think that most bubbly was the same (and still do to some extent), but these 6 wines are well worth their cost and will open your eyes to what Champagne really means.

5 ways to improve Colorado wine

On Sunday, Jon Bonné suggested five ways to improve California wine in the San Francisco Chronicle. While most American wineries not in California try to emulate their Golden State counterparts, all wine regions could use suggestions for improvement. A few weeks ago, I made a similar list directed at Colorado's wine consumers. While I make no assumptions that I have the same credibility as Bonné, I would like to replicate his recommendations to wineries with a Centennial State twist. Here are five ways that Colorado's vintners can carve a better path to the future.

1. Become students of the wine world. I was surprised during a conversation with a winemaker who produces tempranillo that he was unaware of the specific wine regions in Spain that grow the grape. Other winemakers only drink what they make and nothing else. However, to make the best wine possible, winemakers need to taste as much wine as possible from around the world. Everyone associated with Colorado wine needs to learn as much about wine as they can. I don't mean that everyone should strive to be Masters of Wine or Helen Turley-esque winemakers, but understanding the history and geography of the wine world will give credibility to the Colorado wine industry. That is why I do not limit myself to only Colorado wines. There is a whole world of wine out there that shouldn't be ignored.

2. Make fewer wines. I've had this discussion with more than a few winemakers; Colorado wineries make too many wines. Almost every winery produces a cabernet sauvignon, cabernet franc, merlot, syrah, chardonnay, sauvignon blanc, riesling, a sweet rosé and a dessert/fortified wine. Most wineries in France and the boutique California wineries produce just a handful of wines if not only one or two. While I do believe that Colorado wineries can produce all of those wines well, one winery cannot. Wineries should specialize and go for depth instead of breadth. Certain wineries should focus on making Bordeaux-style wines whereas others should concentrate on Rhône varieties. While they may not be able to please every group of tourists that want to try a cabernet, a sweet rosé and a chardonnay, wineries should be producing better overall quality wines.

3. Embrace Hybrids and non-traditional grape cultivars. I know that I just suggested making fewer wines, but Colorado wineries need to consider using hybrids and other non-traditional grapes. If wineries are afraid of consumers not accepting oddly named grapes, then they need to be more creative! Using fanciful names for wines instead of varietally labeled wines could prove a boon to get new wine drinkers drinking Colorado wine. In fact, one of the most popular Colorado wines, Tyranosaurus Red, is made from the uncommon Lemberger. Also, using these types of grapes could greatly increase the productive vineyard acreage allowing even more wine to be made.

4. Get on more restaurant lists. To date, only one winery has been successful with this arduous endeavor. Sure, some restaurants have a token Colorado wine on their list, but The Infinite Monkey Theorem is on more wine lists than any other winery. Wine drinkers often find new wines on restaurant wine lists and go to retailers to purchase these wines. Wineries don't necessarily make money from restaurants, and in fact most have to lower their wholesale cost to get onto restaurant lists. Wineries need to consider restaurant wine lists as marketing expenses rather than revenue generating opportunities. When consumers see that restaurant sommeliers accept local vino, they may be more apt to as well.

5. Apply for more AVAs. Other states ahead of Colorado in the production and quality curve are also ahead of us in the AVA curve. McElmo Canyon in the Four Corners region, Redlands Mesa and Orchard City west of the West Elks AVA and the vineyards along the Arkansas River near Cañon City all would make ideal candidates for federal designation as viticultural areas. Avid wine drinkers tend to give more respect to wines from specific AVAs rather than broad state designations. Most oenophiles would pick an Oakville cabernet sauvignon over a generic California cabernet or a Dundee Hills pinot noir over a simple Oregon pinot. It is unlikely that most consumers even know about the two AVAs we have, but when a state has more than a handful of designated viticultural areas you know that there is a strong quality wine industry (or savvy politicians if you're from Italy).

If even a few wineries heed these suggestions, I believe that the Colorado wine industry will be well on its way to winning the hearts and minds of Colorado residents and competing with the bigger and more famous wine regions.